This has happened to me twice now, and judging by the number of women who’ve asked me “but why though?” in increasingly bewildered tones, I’m clearly not alone in this particular circle of dating hell.
This topic has clearly struck a nerve because I’ve been invited back for a second talk following the success of my last one at the beginning of the month – so this little gem will be making an appearance there. Consider this your preview.
You know the pattern. Suddenly he’s all romantic weekends away and “let’s move in together” and meaningful eye contact over expensive dinners he’s insisted on paying for. He’s changed his work schedule to see you more. He’s bought you that thing you mentioned once three months ago because he “remembered.” You’re thinking “oh lovely, we’ve turned a corner” when actually, darling, you’ve been turned into a corner – and he’s already called the removals van.
So why do they do this? Why the sudden avalanche of affection and investment right before they disappear like a dad who’s popped out for cigarettes? Makes no sense, right?
The Anything-But-Actually-Trying Approach
Here’s the thing that makes me want to scream into a pillow: they’ll do literally anything except the actual work. You’ve asked him to communicate better? Have a spa weekend instead. You’ve said you need him to be more emotionally present? Here’s a fucking necklace. You’ve explained, calmly and clearly, that you need him to actually engage with the relationship? RIGHT, SURPRISE TRIP TO ROME.
I’ve watched so many salvageable relationships die this death. Relationships that could have been saved with a single honest conversation, a bit of vulnerability, maybe reading one book about attachment styles. But no. They’d rather remortgage the house for grand gestures than sit down and do the uncomfortable work of actually showing up emotionally.
It’s like watching someone try to fix a leaking roof by repainting the living room. Repeatedly. Expensively. While congratulating themselves on how much effort they’re putting in.
The Guilt Shopping Spree
First up: conscience management. They’re trying to pay off their guilt debt in advance like it’s a dodgy credit card bill. Every gift, every grand gesture, every “you’re so special to me” is them building a little psychological cushion so they can tell themselves – and more importantly, tell their mates – “I really tried though, didn’t I? Right up until the end I was taking her to fucking Center Parcs.”
It’s less about you and more about maintaining their internal narrative as Not A Complete Bastard, which ironically, makes them an even bigger one.
The Alibi
There’s also the rather clever bit of plausible deniability they’re constructing. Because how can you possibly have been planning to leave when you literally just surprised her with tickets to see her favourite band? It makes the whole thing look spontaneous, mutual even. “It just wasn’t working” sounds so much more reasonable when you’ve apparently been trying so hard. You look mad for being blindsided because “but he was so into it!”
Exactly. That was rather the point.
The Hedge Fund
Some of them are genuinely ambivalent – one foot out the door but throwing money and effort at the problem to see if it magically fixes how they feel. Spoiler: it doesn’t. Because you can’t romantic-gesture or, shock horror, buy your way out of knowing, deep down, that you’ve already left emotionally.
But they’ll give it a go anyway, because in their emotionally illiterate little minds, “committing harder” means spending more. They genuinely think commitment is measured in weekend breaks and jewellery rather than, oh I don’t know, showing up when things are difficult or having an uncomfortable conversation about feelings.
So when the expensive holiday still doesn’t make them fancy you again, they’re genuinely baffled. “But I took you to the Maldives!” Yes, Brian, and you still won’t tell me how you actually feel about anything, so we’ve just had an expensive silent retreat with cocktails.
“At least I tried everything,” they’ll say. Everything except, you know, actually trying.
The Coward’s Cushion
Then there’s the conflict-avoidant types who are essentially pre-medicating you for the blow. All that investment is meant to soften your landing, minimise the drama, and ensure you don’t key his car or tell his mum, or more importantly his mates, what he’s really like. It’s about managing your reaction as much as their guilt.
They’re trying to earn enough goodwill that you’ll just…let them go quietly. They think if they buy you enough nice dinners, you’ll somehow be fine with them fucking off. Like you can be bribed into not having feelings about being dumped by someone you genuinely loved who was literally planning your entire future together five minutes previously.
It’s emotional cowardice dressed up as generosity, and they’ll absolutely convince themselves it’s kindness. “I’m being so good to her right up until the end!” Mate, you know what would actually be kind? Honesty. But that requires emotional courage they simply do not possess.
The Clarifying Investment
And sometimes – this is the really depressing one – ramping everything up actually causes the decision to crystallise. They think “maybe if I just commit harder…” except their definition of commitment is so catastrophically shallow it’s almost impressive.
To them, “committing harder” means: upgrade the holiday. Buy the expensive gift. Grand gesture the shit out of it. Meet her family again. Post more couple photos. Literally anything that can be achieved with a credit card and showing up physically whilst remaining entirely emotionally absent.
So they do all of this, increasingly frantic empty gestures, and then realise they still feel nothing. And that realisation itself becomes the exit sign.
The increased investment doesn’t save the relationship; it kills it with clarity. Because even they can’t ignore the fact that you can be on a beautiful beach, holding hands with someone, having bought them everything they mentioned wanting, and still feel absolutely nothing if you’ve never actually let them in.
But do they learn from this? Do they think “ah, perhaps I should have been vulnerable and present rather than just generous”?
Do they fuck.
They just move on to the next relationship with the same broken playbook, wondering why flowers and city breaks keep failing to fix things that require actual emotional intimacy.
The Emotional Maturity of a Teaspoon
What absolutely kills me about this pattern is the staggering emotional immaturity on display. These are often grown men – men with careers and mortgages and opinions about ISAs – who genuinely believe that problems requiring emotional labour can be solved with their credit card. They miss the mark so badly it’s actually painful to witness.
She says “I need you to be vulnerable with me” and he hears “buy her flowers.” She says “I feel like you’re not really here” and he books a restaurant. She’s basically handing him a map with the destination circled in red pen, and he’s using it as a coaster.
And the worst part? Most of them will never learn. They’ll do this same dance in the next relationship, and the one after that, genuinely baffled each time about why their grand gestures didn’t fix things. They’ll tell their mates “I did everything for her” and they’ll actually believe it, because in their limited emotional vocabulary, “everything” means “spent money and showed up physically.”
They’ve confused presence with presents. And they’ll likely die confused about the difference.
The Cruelty Isn’t The Point (But It Still Hurts)
The worst part? The cruelty is almost never intentional. They’re not trying to hurt you. They’re just profoundly uncomfortable with being the bad guy and will throw money, time, and grand gestures at that discomfort like it’s a small fire they can put out with expensive wine.
But here’s what I wish someone had told me the first time: When someone’s investment suddenly spikes for no apparent reason, trust your gut. Not because all generosity is suspect, but because authentic investment builds gradually. It doesn’t arrive fully formed like some sort of emotional Amazon Prime delivery just when you were starting to wonder if things were a bit off.
And if you find yourself saying “he’ll do anything but actually talk to me about what’s wrong,” then darling, he’s already halfway out the door. He’s just trying to Deliveroo his way back into your good graces before he ghosts you in person.
Anyway. If this has happened to you too, you’re not mad. You’re not imagining it. And you’re definitely not alone.
pours large glass of wine
Mistress Mind 
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